i feel kinda like i could vomit at any time

who reads this, really? and if you don't want to hear something like that, well, i don't either. but while most have the privelege of tuning out, and i do, as well..

yes, i feeel a little bit sick, but also so energized (by healthy food, what!) that i remembered how i know how to write, and i motivated my slef to do it. recent dilemmas, if you wonder what i have been up to, include dream analysis and how much to let on considering how i adamantly refuse to listen to anyone else's dreams (yes, it looked like i was listening, didn't it?) what else? um, how to gather a measure of my self worth when i can't do it in any of the old ways, and wondering if making lists helps any one little thing. or the other.

wondering why she don't obey to what i say, why does that crack me up? so many jokes rattling around, and if there weren't, then what? i watched j. mccain bat his eyes; wanting to do that myself. see how it works? my hair's okay, my legs, okay.

what did i just say?

in a few minutes i may or may not be in what i call a bad "mood". i have had a few of them today, but didn't choose to tell many people about them. maybe they knew, maybe from my eyes, sleepily half-closed, or i might have rolled them. no, i didn't. on the other side of the emotional spectrum (i traverse it daily, where are you for this?) many of my moods today were good ones. as i sit writing, next to a half wall of open windows, it rains, hard, and i run downstairs to stick the plants into it, avocado trees (babies), cactus, mint surviving despite a plight to kill it. did i wake up the others, did they half sleeping hear the rain and fall right back asleep lulled and warm?

i don't want to believe it, but i think that in spite of our genders, we are each sensitive and oblivious. i'm working on it. i miss a lot of people, and spend long stretches alone, forgetting all about them. except, that is, in the constant lull in positivity, wavering for a few minutes at irregular intervals. you know, though, something is happening now, and although i unfortunately try to explain just what it is, and daily, i don't quite understand it. at all. is it important? i think.