a sad story

what i said was true

discover the beauty of distraction and curse its ephemeral charms; today i mean things more than ever.

the front porch is icy now

on the porch, downstairs, we sat and watched bugs in the summer, i got itchy. and upstairs i wrapped myself in a blanket, you smoked a cigarette, you didn't know why. we threw beer bottles into the alley, those of us with aim aimed into a cubby, or someone else's back doorway. we talked about india, about that train that changed the people inside but stayed the same through the time zones. i dragged the telephone all the way across the hallway, kitchen, out the screen door with an old fashioned doorknob. it was warm outside, i'd bet, and the wind blew into the stairwell.

youdon't call me no moreyou don't knock on my door

well. look here, uh huh. i have so many realizations daily, i forget most of them. at present i have several in my mind. i successfully conveyed the way in which someone magical to say the least conveyed how i feel about the sunshine overhead and the wail of a train rattle at my feet. so, sad, i vowed to put away the mind expanding book for a month or two. but i want you to read it! and you. but later, you'll be happier, i'll mail it then.

oh, but right, what did i realize? hum, well okay this isn't a realization either but i put my nose and face right up into nomi's fur when i said good bye to him earlier today, smelled him and missed him that instant. and this one. who else do i miss, now? i am completely alone but a teevee's on.

what do people do all day?

eight hours, at least, since i woked up for good, and what, huh, did i do? well, um. ate two cloves of garlic, sliced but raw, took a sweaty bike ride, thanking my lungs for their resilience after several days of suffocation, sleepy. hmm...i...read a book in the sun and re-potted cacti.

a list that would have been amusing but instead reminds me that i should forget all about it. tomorrow, we say, is a new day.

i feel kinda like i could vomit at any time

who reads this, really? and if you don't want to hear something like that, well, i don't either. but while most have the privelege of tuning out, and i do, as well..

yes, i feeel a little bit sick, but also so energized (by healthy food, what!) that i remembered how i know how to write, and i motivated my slef to do it. recent dilemmas, if you wonder what i have been up to, include dream analysis and how much to let on considering how i adamantly refuse to listen to anyone else's dreams (yes, it looked like i was listening, didn't it?) what else? um, how to gather a measure of my self worth when i can't do it in any of the old ways, and wondering if making lists helps any one little thing. or the other.

wondering why she don't obey to what i say, why does that crack me up? so many jokes rattling around, and if there weren't, then what? i watched j. mccain bat his eyes; wanting to do that myself. see how it works? my hair's okay, my legs, okay.

what did i just say?

in a few minutes i may or may not be in what i call a bad "mood". i have had a few of them today, but didn't choose to tell many people about them. maybe they knew, maybe from my eyes, sleepily half-closed, or i might have rolled them. no, i didn't. on the other side of the emotional spectrum (i traverse it daily, where are you for this?) many of my moods today were good ones. as i sit writing, next to a half wall of open windows, it rains, hard, and i run downstairs to stick the plants into it, avocado trees (babies), cactus, mint surviving despite a plight to kill it. did i wake up the others, did they half sleeping hear the rain and fall right back asleep lulled and warm?

i don't want to believe it, but i think that in spite of our genders, we are each sensitive and oblivious. i'm working on it. i miss a lot of people, and spend long stretches alone, forgetting all about them. except, that is, in the constant lull in positivity, wavering for a few minutes at irregular intervals. you know, though, something is happening now, and although i unfortunately try to explain just what it is, and daily, i don't quite understand it. at all. is it important? i think.